Click here to return to the Nonsense Stories Page. WHY PIGS DON'T FLY
by Hyram C. Gilmore
Holy cow, there are a lot of things in this universe that really baffle me. You know, it's like I just get the
hang of what's going on out there in the world; and something happens that lets me know that maybe my EGO gets in the way
of reality. I'm fully aware that reality is for people who can't handle drugs. However, some folks have accused me of
writing things that are a bit off.
Now I'm here to tell you, the best raisins are grown in my bottom left drawer of this here computer desk. They are
carefully salted every day when they get out of bed; and know that if they do not perform according to factory
specification they will be executed. Some of them insist upon reciting poetry while the bat is swimming in the toilet.
Sure, you may scoff, but if you've ever eaten chicken with a bat in your shirt, you know that they don't really want any.
In the true spirit of ghostly gestures, there will be no seance tonight due to heavy cream spoiling on the radiator.
The remonculous odor of irregular toe cheese has permeated the room, and the spirits refuse to enter. Even dead people
can't spray enough room deodorant to quench the thirst of a pudding merchant! Besides, remonculous is NOT a word.
Now we get to the part where we have all been urged to smear mayonnaise on our arms and upper torso. Especially
vital while at the beach, this activity is a truly soothing way to look like a total geek. After applying the mayo,
several devotees have been known to roll in the sand for added excitement. This of course has been the primary factor
in the development of the latest fashion craze, the "sandshirt."
New things have been added to potatoes which will improve their ability to float through the air. Small,
retractable "air paddles" are located in strategic sections for locomotion and navigational stability. Since most active
taters soon tire of loping along, starch rockets have also been introduced for rapid propulsion. Additionally,
revolutionary velcro brakes have been installed for sure-fire quick stops.
Next time your spuds go for a little spin through the house, listen closely for the barely audible click that
occurs when the air paddles are engaged. Upon hearing the click, hunker down in your chair; because the starch rockets
will energize shortly thereafter. Don't be surprized if your assistance is required when their little joyride is done.
Those velcro brakes stick to curtains like there's no tomorrow!
Pigs have not yet been able to get off the ground for more than a fraction of second. Air paddles were found to be
miserably ineffective with pigs due to their large mass. It was once thought that the presence of pork fat would make a
natural lubricant which would enable the air paddles to engage quickly and easily; but the fat inhibited the motion
of the paddles instead. Those poor piggies would watch a spud go by and start clicking with everything they had, but
to no avail.
Starch rockets would obviously be inappropriate for the porkers, but Mognut R. Wobbynock has proposed the following
possible alternatives: pig poppers, pork propellers, and bacon blasters. To date, the bacon blaster seems to have the
most thrust; but the exhaust from its tailpipe has induced passersby to invite themselves over for breakfast.
Well, as you know, the universe is a strange and wondrous place to be. Being includes singing, riding a whale
to work, and eating pastry. My thorough understanding of this dimension should help all psychotic people know that
their medication is really a giant animal begging for the latest news on powdered worms.
I have undergone much emotional turmoil lately, what with my clam running away with the family grease gun and
crescent wrench and all. So I offer you all my insights, and I'm sure that we will soon have salad with radial tires.
If you become down in the dump, get out of there quickly because people throw the most godawful things in the garbage!
Do not cling to your material possessions. Give them to me and I will sell them quickly for half of what they are worth.
I like to buy candy bars; so you will be doing me a great service and I will be sure to thank you.
BATHE REGULARLY AND PLAY YOUR MUSIC AT THE WRONG SPEED, AND YOU WILL NO LONGER NEED A REASON TO SMILE.